In Article 1, Section 2 of the Constitution, it states “[An] Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct,” which is boring old talk for “Let’s get up in everybody’s business every ten years with a census.”

But nowhere in the Constitution does it say the census has to be boring with its questions, so I took the liberty of writing some questions that provide information we can actually use.  So please cut these questions out, answer them fully and put them in an envelope addressed to “that guy with the suit always talking on the TV.”

1) How many people were living in your household on Tuesday, Jan. 8, 2010? _________

a) Of those, did any of them see my mittens?  I haven’t been able to find them (Y/N)

b) When counting people living in your household, were they sitting down quietly or running around the house all hurly-burly? _______Did you count the cat as a “people”?  (Y/N) Do you want to try again when they are asleep and get a more accurate count? (Y/N)

c) Did you look under the cat for my mittens? (Y/N)

2) How many toasters do you have in your household?  (1 /2/ 3/ 4/ 5)

a) If you answered more than “1,” what’s the deal?  How much toast are you people eating? (Y/N)

b) Is your toaster one of those weird ones where if you only want a single slice, you have to put it in the correct slot?  Did you also stand there for 10 minutes waiting for it to pop up and then have the wife act like you’re an idiot for not knowing the “single slice slot” rule for the toaster?  Seriously, how much energy are we really saving not having the coils on both sides heat up? (Y/N)

c) Does anyone in your house pedantically care way too much in making the distinction between “jam” and “jelly”? (Y/N)

3) How many people in your household are gainfully employed in 2010? (1 /2/ 3/ 4/ 5 / more)

a) Does anyone use such euphemisms as “aluminum receptacle gatherer and recycler,” “Parental motivator by living at home at 40,” or “hedge fund manager” to hide the fact they add nothing to society? (Y/N)

b) Is the fact that you are all uptight about child labor laws the reason the minors in your house aren’t working, even though a few hours in a textile or shoe black factory would build some character? (Y/N)

c) If you are hiring out your 5-9 year olds for tiny hand work on mauling machinery, do you use their legitimately earned extra income for  (incidentals / brewskis / decorative shoe horns / dental floss / “People” Magazine/ other)

4) If you are raising young children, do you believe in playing classical music to them in order to stimulate brain growth? (Y/N)

a) Using this same logic, do you play any music that makes them dumber?  If yes, please indicate which one(s) – (rap-metal / accordion music / Van Halen after David Lee Roth quit / American Idol / Any and all singing dinosaurs)

b) Is there a harmonica in your household?  (Y/N)  Can anyone play something besides a train sound or the first three notes of “Roadhouse Blues” by the Doors? (Y/N)

c) When reading to your children, do you stick with the text or make up your own stories so “Goodnight Moon” becomes an angst-ridden exploration of the infinitesimal triviality of humanity? (Y/N)

5) If married, the most used term of endearment for the male is (pear-shaped gas machine / Grady/ Bobo Fett / Spider Smasher / Gorilla Face / Bismark Von Itchy)

a) For the female, (Senorita Sandwich Maker/Kathie Lee Gifford/ My Little Oleander Flower – pretty but poisonous / Cruella De-needs-her-coffee / Grady)

b) When given the opportunity of quality time together, you most likely spend it (arm wrestling / making inappropriate jokes with fortune cookie fortunes / noodling catfish / debating which kid is going to eventually commit you to a home / putting tape on the cat’s feet / crank calling the neighbors with the ol’ “Is your refrigerator running” ruse)

6) How would you describe the dancing ability of the head of this household? (arthritic new born colt / Elaine from “Seinfeld” like / a haiku in motion / convulsive /  like Fred Astaire, if Fred Astaire had been terribly injured in an industrial accident and was limited to partial motion)

7) What fuel is used to heat your home (books that offend your sensitive, self righteous sensibilities / the friction caused by an unhappy marriage / rotgut / a magic, life giving ball in the sky that returns each morning / gas (natural / propane / burrito night) / metal barrel, hobo fashion / heat? We don’t need no stinkin’ heat).

8) What is the usual response in your household to people delivering unsolicited “literature” to your front door? (Imitate ferocious barking / pretending only to speak Latvian / claim to be blind and then clumsily “see” what they look like with your hands / open the door buck naked / invite them for coffee and then force them to watch four hours of video of your vacation to Giddings).

9) What race/ethnicity do you consider yourself? (party animal / a bit skittish / a hunka hunka burning love /genetically equipped to be in a barbershop quartet / Mole Person / Purple (so when people are trying to prove they aren’t racist, and say “I don’t care if he’s black, white, or purple” you can get the job))

10) What is your household’s largest monthly expense? (Cheetos  / Cat litter / sending money to that prince in Nigeria who emailed you out of nowhere this great investment opportunity / Pencils / love, which surprisingly can be bought).